😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You Might Also Like
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
😂🤣😂🤣
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Hotels are back
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.