Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Spring of Deception
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god