Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
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My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
This was my dad’s browser history.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much