My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?