[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Classic German Shepherd 😂
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same