I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.