“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”