beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
This hospital has everything
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.