I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.