I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that