It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”