I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
girls literally only want one thing..
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids