Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?