Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
opening twitter today
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up