I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
You Might Also Like
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I have never related to a cat more
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.