Still laughing at this stupid meme
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Chicago sounds lovely.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.