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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The game has officially changed 😎
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.