My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
it’s finally my moment to shine
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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