WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
twitter is a journey
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Meanwhile in Portland…