IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
This raises questions
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”