I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Sending in my taxes
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.