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I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story