At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
IT’S-A ME,
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.