{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon