Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
What do you hear?