My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
You Might Also Like
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs