A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Don’t touch that.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.