Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
seems fine
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it