My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”