What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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RT if you know someone like this!!!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort