“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
the world’s most popular steaming services
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?