All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
she has a point
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
They’re really bad with fonts.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
the red hot silly peppers
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.