Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
#SuperBowl
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
A friend sent me this.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.