Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
oh my gosh!!
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.