[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough