there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP