My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Not messing around
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Every photo I’m tagged in
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.