Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
pep talk
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out