[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.