3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
What the hell happened in there??
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.