My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
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A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Ghost costume 😂
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.