When a shoelace touches your ankle
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea