Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught