GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
A ghost story
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
God has left this place
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
ok like just. call me at this point
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying