Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.