#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
He just like my cat fr
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.