Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”