I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
#MeanwhileinCanada
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying