6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?