Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.